Welcome to the ROC Colonel!

By David Flint

I’ve worked a little in TV, some Christmas parties, and numerous publicity appearances as the man, the icon, the idol S.C. I know you immediately concluded that, sure, Dave looks just like Sean Connery; the resemblance is uncanny! Well people, with a little bit of make-up I also resemble Santa Claus to the collective consciousness here in Taiwan. (I guess people are too shy to say anything about Mr. Connery to me, because actually I only Santa stuff.)

I teach a few writing classes a week to kids of various ages. On Friday I had a younger class and we were talking about jobs. I told the class that I was Santa at Sogo this year and kid number leo (I will call him Leo) sat up straight and was suddenly paying very close attention.

 “Leo, what’s up?” I asked.

 “You are Santa?” he asked.

 “Sure, I do it every year. It’s a lot of fun.”

For the rest of the class Leo was quite impressed with everything I had to say, and didn’t even finish his usual Pikachu drawing and hidden bag of potato chips. On the way out at the end of class, his younger brother asked for my autograph, and his Mom hugged the school manager.

 “What was that for?” my manager asked a little later.

 “They think I am…..Sean Connery.”

 “Weird. I think you look like Santa!”

That night I dutifully performed the necessary maintenance on my alter-ego. It’s a terrible job trying to maintain the physical stature of a jolly giant elf with a red nose, but I do my best. It seems Taiwan Gold Medal beer is available at the North Pole too, because all it takes is a daily dose before bedtime and my girth is guaranteed. My plan the next morning was to drive to Taipei by scooter, departing before dawn Saturday so I was in bed early, up at 430am the next morning, and on the road by 5 o’clock.

I had never driven my scooter in Taichung at that hour of the night, that I recalled, so I opened my senses to the experience somewhere around Tong Hai University and quite enjoyed coasting in the dark, down the west side of Dadu mountain past Providence University. I closed my sense of smell passing an empty field full of long grass, and closed my sense of taste after rescuing a lost and homeless mosquito with my teeth. Otherwise the sights, sounds, and cool air on my skin were exquisite, not to mention the adrenalin rush from escaping packs of street dogs in Shalu and Wuchi. I almost needed a post-adrenalin nap except, being on a mission that could not fail, I had no time!

I was loathing Taipei.

I had never been to Taipei in my 6 years plus in Taiwan, and I was dreading it. I had also never been to a street dentist in India, but I was pretty sure Taipei was going to make me feel about that safe and cozy. I imagined it was everything that resulted in me choosing the little apple Taichung to live in. Taipei would be endlessly big, fanatically unfriendly, and mysterious as armpit itch. Therefore I made arrangements with a friend to meet me at a place of my random choosing.

She made it simple for me, “Just get here, call me and tell me where you are, and I will drive my car over and find you. You can follow me back to my place.”

 “What kind of car do you drive?”

 “It’s a silver Toyota.”

 “Cool and cya soon!”

The ride was great. I took coastal Road 61 north from Chung Gang Rd. It’s 6 lanes with very few lights and sometimes no other cars or trucks at all. The long bridges across the rivers and watersheds are open to scooters, so in less than two hours I was near Hsinchu with the sun rising on my right and the ocean view on my left. If you haven’t used coastal Road 61 even for a day trip, check it out. By 9am I was somewhere in Taipei, the evil empire.

Now that I was actually in Taipei, I realized that I didn’t loathe the city itself, rather the return to my early days in Taiwan when I knew almost nothing about almost everything. Taipei didn’t seem to have a center, a middle, or an outer edge. It was impossible to know whether I had actually entered Taipei yet. I tried a few of my usual navigation tricks that work great in Taichung including trying to locate the railway tracks and following them downtown to the train station, finding a high place and looking for the grouping of tall buildings, following heavier traffic flow as opposed to lighter, and asking for Sogo. I never found the railway tracks hence no train station this trip. There is no high place in Taipei and although I was able to see Taipei 101 I had the idea that it is not located downtown anyway. There is no light traffic flows at 9am in Taipei, therefore none heavier. I asked three people for directions to Sogo and was told, “Mayo.” by number 1, “Bu che dao” by number 2, and “Try 7eleven” by number 3.

Finally I stopped driving and phoned my friend.

 “Hi, I’m here.”

 “Huh?”

 “Good morning! I am in Taipei now,” even though I wasn’t sure that I was.

“What time is it?”

 “Mmmm…a little after 9.”

 “Okay, wait. Okay, where are you?” I think I woke her up.

 “I see a purple walk-way above the street. There’s a small but very busy market, and I also see a post office. There’s an island with bushes down the middle of the road as well.”

 “Ahhh…okok. I know where you are. It will only take me a few minutes to get there, it’s pretty close actually.”

 “Great! You drive a silver Toyota, right?”

 “Yes a silver Toyota. See you in a few minutes.”

Do you have any idea how many silver Toyotas there are in Taiwan? I was waving down every third car. However my view of Taipei as being cold and heartless was rapidly changing. People were incredibly friendly! Every silver Toyota rolled down their windows and waved back as they drove past. The kids were the best, sometimes sticking two arms out the windows and shouting “Hello hower you!” while their mothers and grandmothers smiled and nodded to me. One car finally pulled in, and I turned to walk towards it thinking it was my friend when a family got out, and waving at me and laughing, they walked into the KFC Restaurant beside the market, directly behind where I was standing and waving at Toyotas.

It seems patient reader that my duo S.C. personifications had bowed out for a singular C.S. embodiment. Since I have a whitish beard, and I was standing in front of a KFC outlet smiling and waving, people assumed it was a promotion and I was Colonel Sanders visiting from abroad. There was nothing to do but keep waving at Toyotas, since I wanted to find my friend, and of course thank anyone who stopped in for our breakfast special. The fresh orange juice vendor right beside me was lovin’ it (sorry Ronald McDonald) and his customers were hanging around watching even with bottles of OJ in hand and paid for.

Finally my friend arrived and rolled down her car window. “How’s it going?” she asked.

 “Great. I get off in about 20 minutes!”

 “Hahahaha…yeah right you joker. Hey for some reason I suddenly have a huge craving for some chicken...don’t know why. Do you want some too?”

I turned towards the KFC just in time to see another family going in. I waved and grinned.

 “Yeah, let’s have some. Do you mind though if you go in without me, and we get some to go? I’m exhausted.”

Cya round!