In The Closet, Out Of The Closet And

Back In Again.The Revolving Door.

A Love Story or A Peek At A Gay Man's

Slice of Life

By The Quivering Queen

Being gay in Taiwan, even just ten years ago, was risky business. Especially for a Taiwanese man. There weren't many places to go to meet other gay men; education about safe sex was (and still is) taboo; and society in general frowned upon it. I understand that gay women in Taiwan had and still have their own trials and tribulations... but for a gay man, the pressures of day to day life could, and still can be, extremely difficult.

Taiwanese men then (and even now) for the most part, stayed in the closet. Many of us went to parks or certain venues to seek out like minded men but found it difficult to live free as a gay man because of pressure from our families to get married and have children. Walking inmates we were.

Times have changed albeit slowly. There is a movement of gay men and women coming out of the closet as they find a community of supporters from around the Island. Taiwan is also seeing more and more pubs and social settings that are tolerant and may even offer encouragement to those living an 'alternative' lifestyle. But Taiwan still has a long way to go.

I have never tried to hide who I am... but I don't wear a sign on my head either. If you know me, you would probably figure it out after a while, and that is OK. I am writing this piece under an alias of course because I am not an attention seeker and there are still those out there that I work with (both Taiwanese and non Taiwanese alike) that may discriminate against me because of who I am. So it is just best that I leave my name out of it.

I don't have a list of preferences about what kinds of men attract me. As long as they are sweet, in good shape and respectful. I say in good shape, not because I am shallow and I only care about looks, but I feel that if someone takes care and respects their own body, then they are going to take care of and respect others, too. I stay away from junk food and I go to the gym. But read on dear reader...

I met a man a couple years back at a park here in Taichung. He was a lovely man; handsome, educated and fun to be around. I really liked him and I felt he liked me too. I had just got off work and decided to go to the park because it would be quiet. As I was sitting on a bench reflecting on my day and gazing at the water in the twilight, he walked by. We looked at each other and I smiled and gave him a nod. He smiled back but kept walking. He was gorgeous. He looked like a straight guy, but something inside me knew better. I continued to sit there but after about twenty minutes and feeling a tad hungry, I got up to go get a bite to eat. I started walking in the direction Mr. Gorgeous had come from earlier, when I saw him again. He was walking towards me. My heart beat faster, but I kept my cool.

As we passed each other, I mustered up the courage to smile and say, "ah, long time no see” and he laughed. He stopped and we chatted briefly. He told me he takes his afternoon walks at this park and that he liked to walk the circumference of the place. He told me that had I stayed where I was on the bench, I would have seen him walk by two or three more times. I told him I could easily go back to the bench and try. He laughed again and we sat down under the tree by the path. And talked until the park lights came on. We got up, brushed ourselves off and exchanged phone numbers. His name was Richard.

That was the beginning.

I was Richard's first boyfriend. He had not experimented much, but he said he had always had the feeling that he was different from other boys. Well, most gay men do. And most gay men when they are boys, experience the confusion in a society that frowns upon the lifestyle. Many boys grow up into men not knowing how to act, worried that there is something wrong with them or scared to death when they do realize who they are, that they will be found out and punished, ostracized or worse... bashed. We have all heard the stories.

I had tried to date girls when I was younger. I even brought them home to meet my parents occasionally. But it all felt wrong. I would hear my family talking about so and so and how he was a homosexual and that he should go to see a doctor or a psychologist to make him 'right' again. People (my family included) just don't seem to understand that being gay is not a mental problem. It is not a choice. How many people would choose to be ignored by their family or beat up in school? How many people would choose to not be accepted in society (until much later in life after the physiological damage has already been done)? Not many I assure you. But in many cases when one dares to be different that is what happens.

Anyway, Richard and I dated for about 6 months and we couldn't be around each other enough. He was kind and considerate. We showered each other with small gifts and affection. We even went to Thailand together for a long weekend and then Penghu for another long weekend a month later. I was the happiest I had ever been in my life.

... Continued