Joe-kes

One day Pinocchio came to Gepetto with a problem.

“Every time I have sex with my girlfriend, she gets splinters. What can I do about this?”

“Have you tried sandpaper?” Pinocchio hadn’t, so he went to try it.

“Pinnochio,” said Gepetto a few weeks later. “How is the problem work out with your

“Girlfriend?” said Pinnochio. “Who needs a girlfriend when you have sandpaper?”

There was a blonde, a brunette and a red head. They were all sitting in a hair salon talking about their daughters. The brunette says,

“I was looking through my daughter’s purse and I found a pack of cigarettes! Do you believe that my daughter smokes!!

So then the redhead says, “Oh my gosh, I was looking through my daughter’s purse and i found alcohol! Do you believe she’s been drinking!!

So then the blond says, “I was looking through my daughter’s purse and I found a condom! Do you believe my daughter has a penis?!”

One day Mom was cleaning Junior’s room and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine.

This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his Father got home and showed it to him.

He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word. So she asked him, “What should we do about this?”

Dad looked at her and said, “Well I don’t think you should spank him.

A ventriloquist was making fun of rednecks with his dummy at a bar. Then an angry redneck stood up, rolled up his sleeves, and yelled, “I resent that!”

The ventriloquist started apologizing to the redneck.

The redneck looked at him and said, “You stay outta this, I’m talking to the guy on your lap!!!!

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. “Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?”

His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, “I’ll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you’ve learned.”

The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. “Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?”

“Don’t tell your father, but yes, I would.”

He then goes to his sister’s room. “Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?”

She replies, “Omigod! Definitely!”

The kid goes back to his father. “Dad, I think I’ve figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts.”

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.”

The first man said. “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife,”

The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job.”

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair.”