Swiss Army Knife, Made in Taiwan

By David Flint

Living in Canada one assumes one’s daily experiences are universal. We use the word “normal” quite liberally, and the people around us in Canada know exactly what we mean. Minus 20C is normal in February. Next day delivery of the new washing machine is normal for Sears. We don’t normally hear fireworks on New Years Eve. I liken it to having a tool kit, and whatever I need to do in Canada I reach in for the right tool and I do what I need to do.

However, when you arrive in Taiwan you suddenly find yourself deaf, dumb, illiterate, and a complete buffoon. A few days ago I stopped at a gas station, and a young man asked me a question. I can’t imagine what he was asking me since how many reasons can a person on a scooter have for pulling into a gas station and parking beside a gas pump? I think he asked me, “Ni yo miaoli Taichung tofu, ganjia ma?” I said pardon. He leaned in closer and asked me a little louder, “Ni yo miaoli Taichung tofu, ganjia ma?” I said what. He moved his face within a foot of mine and he screamed, “Ni yo miaoli Taichung tofu, ganjia ma?” I turned to his co-worker and ordered my gas, “Joe wu, ee bai quai.” The receptionist at my dentist’s office once asked me for my name and address, and I replied, “I don’t know.” See what I mean; deaf dumb illiterate and buffoon-like. However, you do soon realize it’s time to add a few more tools to the old kit.

Here are a few tools I have collected in my six years in Taiwan:

1. Yes means maybe, maybe means no, there is no word for no in Chinese, and later means never in this lifetime. Hence the popular belief in re-incarnation. NOTE: Impossible means you need to ask 2-3 more times, or else come back when the new guy is on duty if you want someone to say “How!” By the way, “How!” means okay, and it is a good thing to hear. Trust me when I advise you to not to try to answer this question ever!

2. The only thing that takes only twenty minutes in Taiwan is a one minute delay. Everything else takes longer, but it doesn’t usually start for about a minute. If someone tells you there will be a few minutes delay, that’s lunch people!

3. Traffic lights are to be taken the same as so-so advice from a complete stranger. When it’s a green light, do a bit of research before entering the intersection, and on a red light do a bit of research before you stop, and yellow...can you say ‘acceler-brake’?

4. If you make an illegal left turn and you see a few cops half a block ahead, stop immediately. If you carry cigarettes with you then pull over and have one even if you don’t smoke. I carry cigarettes like emergency flares. It seems if you make an illegal left turn in order to have a smoke it’s ok, and when the smoke is done, put your helmet back on and continue past the spot check. They won’t stop you.

5. When you need to buy something at 3C computer/appliance store, the first person you ask for help who doesn’t speak English will always call another person to help you, who also doesn’t speak English. That’s why the sales clerks stay out of sight, so that they don’t get called by another sales clerk to help a foreigner. Then hand the second one a note with everything written in Chinese. If he says, “How!” pump your fist in the air and do the chicken dance.

6. A one year contract at a school is good for about three months before they change it, unless you want to change it; then it’s good for 14 months, unless you are sick twice in three months, then it’s good for about a minute.

7. Accept the reality that a civil servant’s job is to make you come back at least once more. It doesn’t matter if you call ahead and ask for everything you need, they have rules that they will never give a complete answer over the phone, they will never give their names over the phone, and the person you are talking to now will always ask for a name. If we only had to go once, we would only need half the government workers we have. The tools you need here; pocket change for the p4hotocopier at 7Eleven, paper money for the photographer at the Kodak shop two blocks over, an ATM card to pay for the health exam, and a notary public from Ottawa. All will fit nicely on your scooter for your return trip to Foreign Affairs.

8. You need a passport for a visa to enter the country, you need a diploma to prove you can speak English, you need an ARC to own a scooter, you need a doctor’s note to prove the arm inside the cast needed medical attention, and you need a tax receipt proving the government gave you a tax refund in order to renew your work permit. However, paper is mightier than the pen! Your friend can stamp a contract for you, or withdraw money from your bank account if she has your ID and your chop. However, it is required that you not be available to call and confirm.

9. Everyone takes their vacation at the same time. It’s called Chinese New Year. If you want a vacation at any other time, your school will want 60 days notice, your friends will raise eye brows and say something like WOW, and the hotels will be half price and full-service.

10. Finally, the Swiss Army Knife of all the tools you might want to have in Taiwan, the indispensable stationary wordless smile. If someone says maybe, smile. If someone says, “Two minutes,” smile. If someone runs a red light and almost hits you, smile. If you need to buy something at 3C, smile. If your school changes the contract, smile. If the government worker says he needs a copy of your mother’s Blockbuster membership from Idaho, smile. When you take a day off work to get your driver’s license, then the Ministry of Transportation asks for an ARC to register your new scooter, but not a driver’s license, smile. When you ask a lady out for a date and she says maybe, smile. When you ask for a raise at your school and they say later, smile like a happy Buddha and be sure to re-incarnate again real soon!

Fill that new tool bag with the above, and when you return to Canada, America, South Africa, Australia, Malta, or Russia then carry two bags. The first bag enables you to get things done, and the second bag enables you to sleep at night! The lifers in Taiwan smile a lot, haven’t you noticed?

Cheers and see ya round!

PS. Maybe the lifers smile because the Swiss Army Knife, made in Taiwan, also carries a bottle opener. HOW!